Stage 3: Needle Fear Be Damned

I will begin this (much belated chapter) with a mission statement of sorts: friends, I live an //alternative lifestyle.

Were you aware? ///// BECAUSE I DO.

When I reflect on my brief existence in this world, I realize: it has always been this way. Even during the bleak middle school days of turquoise eye shadow and abercrombie tube tops, I have never been able to escape my ultimate fate of being a weird ass broad.

// Do you think it has something to do with the eyebrows?????????

In some ways, the //alternative way of life was the only viable option for me.

Some context for more recent acquaintances: I grew up in a very very WASP-filled, Jesus-loving, straight-laced ‘burb--a world of extreme & deeply self-congratulatory ---normativity----. Indeed there have been multiple movies / TV shows / books chronicling my particular suburb’s status as the quintessential white-picket-fence suburban archetype. 

I was a bad fit for this culture, shall we say. And, in my defense, the culture was quite extreme.

Example #1: the stereotypically popular kid in my class was essentially a cardboard cut-out of America the White & Hetero & Beautiful.

Let us henceforth refer to him as “Bill.”

Stage 2: Keeping Up with the Kardashianz

For my entire life, my mother has claimed that my thick-as-hell dark brown hair was exceptionally unique. I therefore was banned from ever dyeing any portion of my luscious locks any color for any reason, ever. GASP.

I resented my mother’s stance re: hair dye deeply. 

I was an alternative-music-loving, angst-ridden teen, after all—and how would Conor Oberst ever fall in love with me if I was not sporting stylish, boxed-red hair? The prospect of simply NEVER fully fitting in at Vans Warped Tour was a first-world teenage tragedy I grappled with daily. 

Since then, my hair-dye-related resentment has abated significantly—in particular because I have seen countless Ukrainian women sporting ghastly bottle-hair-dye colors. (Further study:  this FB page entitled Eastern European women with badly-dyed red hair - over 1,000 likes. #FUN)

'Cause they love that natural~~~ look.

The major problem my people face is this: unless you got some ~~secret Polish heritage~~—you, Ukrainian woman, will have brown hair. It is likely very dark. In order to transition from very dark brown to any other shade of hair color and have this color-transition actually be visible with human eyes, your very dark hair needs to be bleached first. 

And then there comes the vicious cycle of very-dark-hair doom:

à Dark hair + bleach = bleach-orange

à Bleach-orange + (any color dye) = … a color that will likely fade back to bleach-orange

à Bleach-Orange hair + luscious, hirsute dark eyebrows of Ukraine = ...

Stage 1: R.I.P. Kooky Sweater Girl. (... You Won't Be Missed)

When in college, I used to actively identify myself as being a Kooky-Glasses-Wearing Librarian; “Kooky Sweater Girl” for short. 

It wasn't hard to fit the bill: I had a number of discussion-provoking bifocals; spent much of my time hanging out in beautiful libraries; + held a love for pleated skirts that was/is/forever-will-be undying.

And, of course, there were all those sweaters...

MAKE. IT. STOP.

If I reflect on what may have spurred my sweater addiction, I guess it comes down to two fundamental neuroses:

1. my endless campaign to bring more love to the under-valued genre(s) of fiber art (trapunto & yurt construction 4eva~~~). # Naysayers gonna naysay.
2. my true, deep, and eternal passion for sifting through thrift stores. 'Cause it's the treasure hunt that never ends, y'all.

#2 is the clincher in my sweater-addiction. See, the metaphysical law ruling vintage retailers worldwide is that—no matter the locale, tone, price-range, etc— they are inevitably filled with ornate, forgotten sweaters. Piles & piles & piles of ‘em.

True heaven is a place on earth... where everything costs $1; smells vaguely of BO.

There were also some practical reasons for procuring many wool-based garments. I was born & raised on the frigid streets of the D and then shivered through 4 years of higher ed in the Windy City... I had to stock up on cold-weather apparel to survive! A girl's gotta stay warm, aight?

(Read on, after the jump!)

Extreme Makeover: Quarter Life Crisis Edition

My outlook on the real world during my long-lost university days was very strange, to say the least.

Punch drunk on ivory-tower syllabi filled with ancient Greek philosophers, I looked out at the “real world” with wide-eyed despair. 

I truly believed that that the future entailed inevitable corporate droll / uninspiring monotony. College = my last chance at true bliss! 

In contrast, post-college life = banal, blah, droll. 0% eudaimonia, 0 people that cared to discuss the conceptual complexities of eudaimonia, and (DUH) 0 folks that gave a fuck either way.

OHHH THE HUMANITY.

Yet the true nature of this early-20s reality has proven to be entirely different. You see, it’s not that ~real world life~ is uninspiring. It’s actually quite the opposite: TOO inspirational. 

Unexpected dramas at every corner! Hormones a’ragin’! Hearts dramatically uncaged!!

For me, these 2 post-collegiate years have included great physical & mental traumas, multiple deaths, a series of unfortunate illnesses, and many instances of heartbreak. In short: it is really fun being Ukrainian. REAL ###FUN.

I've grown a few new layers of skin these years, it is true. And in the process I have come to one single conclusion: y’all, I have changed.

But I like this change! It feels like maturity...?

I mean, I am a phoenix from the yellow-fever flames! 

I am a majestic, refined-sugar-addicted butterfly emerging from a post-collegiate chrysalis! 

& GODDAMNIT—I MUST REFLECT THIS INTERNAL CHANGE EXTERNALLY!!!

If you are a cis-gendered, liberal-arts-educated millennial in the United States, $10 says that you yourself have encountered this odd realization recently: I mean, young adulthood, it's a thing. 

And another $10 says that you have decided the best course of action is singular, stoic, and clear: !!! LIFE-MAKEOVER TIME !!! 

Mission statement: //// IF YOU CHANGE YOUR LOOK GIRLFRAN /// THEN YOU WILL CHANGE YOURSELF /// THEN EVERYTHING WILL MAGICALLY CHANGE FOR THE BETTER ///.

Interestingly, as I began to speak of my life-makeover plans with other people my age, I noted some trends.

Most of my male friends responded something like, “Um.. how does changing your hair / clothes radically shift your identity again?” 

One word for y’all dudes: SIMPLETONS.

Alsoooo…. you may be correct. Nevertheless: STFU.

My female friends reacted in the opposite manner: with the purest of enthusiasm. 

In fact, many of my estrogen-peak-suffering female compatriots revealed to me that—ohwhattayaknow—they were also planning a !!!!!!!dramatic physical transformation!!!!!!, for similar quarter-life-crisis-related reasons. Oh, this sweet world.

I guess when life gives you lemons, 21st century femalez utilize those lemons to dye their hair and brows and lifeblood.

For those who are interested, my makeover strategy reads as follows:

Stage 1:  R.I.P. Kooky Sweater Girl.

Stage 2: Keeping up with the Kardashians

Stage 3: Needle-fear BE DAMNED.

Stage 4: (((Glassy lassy)))

I will be detailing each stage for your reading-pleasure.

Embark on this journey with me, friends. It’s pretty superficial; and yet (I feel) oddly poignant. 

I’m not a girl, not yet a woman, k? K.

Thanks for the (Cholera-Induced / Mostly Hallucinative) Memories, Cartagena de Indias

My last 5 days in Colombia, I stayed in scenic Cartagena de Indias.

Cartagena is known as one of the most coveted colonial fortresses in Latin America. Immense amounts of wealth passed through its harbors; hoards of pirates attempted to break into the walled city at every turn.

In today’s Cartagena, the wealth continues to flow--though it's not coming from pirates, the sugar trade, or Spanish expat nobility.

Instead, Cartagena has maintained its wealth thanks to its status as a truly unironic, slightly-dilapidated ~Caribbean vacation destination.~ It is filled to the brim with many, many, many very affluent Brazilian/Argentine tourists that deeply enjoy the city's array of resort-life attractions, such as: dillipidated horse-drawn carriage rides!  Third-degree sunburns contracted while basking next to rooftop pools! And, of course, the delectable fare at Hard Rock Cafe Cartagena!

Evidently the Hard Rock enterprise is not, in fact, bankrupt. The 90s really are back, y'all.

Unfortunately when I myself think of Cartagena, I will remember neither its pirate-fighting past nor its lovably-skeezy-resort-town present. 

Instead, I will forever connect Cartagena with that one time my life almost came to an early and abrupt end. Sad but true: Like many a Spanish colonizer before me, within 48 hours of landing in Cartagena, I came down with a very severe tropical virus. 

I spent my last 4 days in Colombia quaking in my bed, sweating/bleeding/hallucinating/vomming/crying with a 103-degree fever; unable to feel my hands or feet; skin peeling off to reveal a large, spotted rash; physically unable to go to a pharmacy/doctor and get medicine… aaaand 100% alone. With no idea whatsoever what my ailment was or how to treat it.

I could turn this post into a large litany about illness abroad; travelling alone; viral infections of the tropics; etc etc. This is true.

But I cannot under-emphasize this point: I came back from the BRINK, friends - so I’m taking a different route.

... I’m taking a route of glory-jesus-HALLELUJAH.

.... I’m taking the route of  HELLLLL-YUS-I-AM-ALIVE-LET-US-TAKE-IT-TO-THE-STREETS

.... I’m taking the route of THANK YOU DEITIES ABOVE, because I am feeling the spirit of #YOLO like Drake himself never could believe. Testify & believe.

Below, I list out the many bright stars of sunshine that pulled me through the Plague of Cartagena.

Bogota Bike Brawl

When I entered Bogota, I knew basically three things about the city: 

1. it is in the mountains!
2. it has a large Fernando Botero museum!! 
3. their local chicken stew ajiaco is delectable!!!

BUT... that was it. I wish I was kidding. Preparation is not #mythang, child.

Being so very in-the-dark about what I was supposed to do in a city that is - fun fact - gargantuan (the size of all of NYC's 5 boroughs combined!), I did what all uninspired tourists do: I decided to try out a local bike tour.

The name of the tour company I chose was straight-forward, Bogota Bike Tours. I thus assumed I would be lead past the major Hits of Bogota, maybe learn a fact or two, and finally, 90 mins. later, be on my way to consuming a delicious empanada.

Alas: the Bogota Bike Tour was not to be anything like a leisurely pedal down a paved, Euro-centric Colombian version of the Ringstraße.

I walked into the BBT "office"  - really, an open-air garage with bike parts strewn about everywhere - and a tiny Colombian man named Emilio immediately forced a mountain bike, helmet, and (most disturbingly) various ankle/elbow/wrist guards at me. I hadn't even registered or paid for the tour. Heck, I hadn't even fully stepped foot into their garage. This was the first of many signs that I was in for something a bit more intense than I anticipated. A heh heh heh.

Our guide was a grizzled, late 50s, ex-pat journalist named Mike. (Note: Since journalists in Colombia have been notorious targets of assasinations for at least the past century, this is not a profession for the weak of heart.)

Mike had what looked to be a large, chemical burn on half of his face. Also, he carried a half-destroyed macrame camera bag so tattered that he had stuffed a large black garbage bag inside as a "waterproof lining."

 But really, a picture is worth a thousands words, right? All you need to know about Señor Mike:

Crazy-eyed does not even begin to describe...

His first words to us: "Hey guys, my name is Mike. I've been living in Bogota for 6 years, in Latin America for 15. I'm from California but I haven't been back to that godawful place in over a decade. ALRIGHT ENOUGH SMALLTALK LET'S GO." And then he sped away at warp-speed. At this point, I had barely strapped on my helmet.

And still, off we went. 

A small selection of amazing non-guide-book-approved sites we visited in Bogota, after the jump.

The Cossack Bloodline Knows Nothing of Defeat & Other Pleasantries My Parents Told Me

Many people have reached out to me recently to gather my opinions on the current immense struggles of my Motherland. 

In case you have been living under a beautiful, non-Ukrainian rock: Thanks to Putin/Yanukovich post-Soviet-bloc "democracy," the particularly-Ukrainian brand of *FUN* has recently become quite renowned.

Sand-bag-barricade-building in negative 10 degree weather in order to avoid being shot at by anti-EU, pro-Russian military forces amid an endless snow pile in the middle of Kiev = **FUN!!!**

One thing that I try to emphasize for my frandz that ask me what I think about the Euromaidan and the general onslaught of death, struggle, and disaster in Ukraine is this: Listen, for virtually my entire life–Ukraine has been in a shitstorm. But that doesn't mean I don't feel that shitstorm in the deepest reaches of my soul; for better or most assuredly for worse.

Take this recent text exchange with my father, himself born in the USA:

My "soul"! My soul. 

Why oh why can't my soul reside on a beautiful beach somewhere instead, you and also I ask??!!?!?!? 

\\\\\(((((Extended Sigh)))))))//////

More musings on the particularly-FUN form of tormented ethnic identity, after the jump.

Bogota: These Streets are Critical

One of my major sources of secret bliss in this world is my uncanny ability to be mistaken for / blend into other foreign ethnicities.

You see: With brown hair / brown eyes / strong brows, I am juuuust swarthy enough to pass as a kooky librarian of a number of ethnic backgrounds. & y'all know that I love every second, because my being mistaken as Persian, Argentinian, Jewish, Portuguese, Filipina, Tunisian, etc = INFINITELY preferable to my true, tragic Ukrainian reality! (Oh the native food options I could be eating if I was not grandfathered into the world's least loved legacy of cabbage and horseradish!!)

ALAS. This blog has probably indicated to you at some point, dear readership, what's really up in this ethnically-ambiguous gal's bloodline (Read: %$#%DISASTER). 

But it is still my least-rational of personal joys: every time I am mistaken as Pakistani / Mexican / Turkish, my heart swells two sizes!!! A girl can dream!

And so: on my first day in Bogota, I have once again been able to revel in my ability to (((blend in))). Within 20 minutes on the street in the Candelaria district, I transformed into La Liza de Bogota - everyone's fave, slightly-less-goth-than-expected, bespectacled, eyebrows-fer-dayz native-Bogotana computer technician. 

Me Voy

After ~2 years of remaining mostly stateside (with one surreal barely-mentionable foray into rural Swedish corporate conferences....), I am finally embarking on my first international vacation 100% solo. And what timing! Just in time to flee another very frigid Brooklyn evening en febrero.

My inspiration for my destination? Gabriel Garcia Marquez's familial naming structures; the sweet, fried aroma of fresh arepas; fat folks in the work of Fernando Botero; my AP Spanish Teacher "Profe" and her insane stories about dating a Medellin drug dealer's limo driver; my one and only true rock en espanol amor Juanes; Johnny Depp in blow; my former professor Alma Guillermoprieto's writings on the romance of the FARC and of course....

SHAKIRA. THE ONE AND ONLY. The #original Colombian warrior princess, fools!!!

And with just a few hours to my flight, I declare: "Me voy; que lastima pero adios. Me despido de ti y  me voy!"

Presented without further comment

This shirt was just advertised to me on FB.

I guess it supports the current anti-Yanukovich protests in Ukraine...? (Which are - no insincerity at all - very legit and speak to my rebellious-spirit & heart!)

However.

...

Really?

Really. REALLY.They can't even pretend that it's fun being Ukrainian. They are marketing the concept. In fact, they are actively seeking to make $$ dollah dollah billz $$ off of the noteworthy lack of fun within our deeply disaster-prone Ukrainian personhood.

(On that note - let us discuss the brand-name: "I AM UKRAINIAN." Did you notice it demanded no simplistic adherence to capitalization nor punctuation laws? LOLz no. We don't mess with that shit; leave that to Tolstoy oh hey///. Future tagline: "Ukrainian: It's a fun-as-heck state of tortured mind, y'all~~")


Oh, Україна. Your legacy of hardship is also your present. The Ukrainian struggle was the original.

за ваше здоров'я! To your hearts and minds; my crazy, crazy motherland.

Polish Housekeeper of Your Dreams and Also Nightmares

Anyone following me on ##socialmedia## these past weeks may have noticed that I was recently on a mad tour of the Wild West. 

For a majority of the time, I was stranded in San Francisco until weather conditions improved in NYC and allowed planes to actually land without fear of icy death. (Thus, optimistically, until the month of May.)

Of course, there are many worse places to be stuck than Cali-for-ni-yay. I enjoyed California’s delicious produce; its deeply-unironic array of organic/locally-sourced/macrobiotic/vegan/raw/gluten-free foodstuffs; and, of course, the amazingly snow-free NorCal life.

But more than anything else—I enjoyed co-existing with California’s elusive and elite form of kooky-ass Slavs. Indeed: while in SF, I was a gleeful and shameless cultural anthropologist of the many iterations of the endless-litany that is Slavic life c/o my lovable SF family members.

One particularly uniquely-Slavic character that came to dominate my week was my aunt’s Polish housekeeper, Ada.

Ada is something of a living legend in the family, mostly because she is truly and endlessly batshit cray.

Note: this is not Ada. This IS the Google Image result for "Angry Polish Grandma," however. Because, I mean. Same difference.

First: Hailing from the pre-WWII ethnically-ambiguous Poland/Ukraine border, Ada  grew up speaking what my cousins refer to as “Slavic.” Her “Slavic” is an impressive mix of Polish/Ukrainian/Russian, with a deep Polish lilt, delivered almost assuredly by SCREAMING AT THE TOP OF HER LUNGS.

I encountered a slew of vitriol and bellligerence, all day; over a wide subject of evidently-infuriating topics that I + the rest of the United States would not consider controversial.

I present them below to help all of you deal with your aunt’s insane, elderly, secretly-very-strong 80-year-old housekeepers, after the jump:

Olympic Gold Medalist in the 400 Meter Free-Style Complaint: Contemporary Art Version

I realized I had a knack for the artfully-worded letter of complaint in 8th grade. At that point, my $$super hip English teacher$$ assigned our class the hard-hitting literary assignment of writing corporate business letters. I believe the goal was to teach us children how to format really intense business correspondence with large companies(...?). Since, you know, within a decade snail mail was clearly still going to be the #1 method of delivering messages to corporations, and people definitely would not just Tweet @ Starbucks to complain when they felt wronged about the horrific lack of tropical-flavored drink syrup options up in the barista bar.

But really, really. Really. The goal of this 8th grade English assignment was to get free shit from companies; via complaining. Education the American way!

Admittedly Abercrombie & Fitch declined to send our 8th grade class free terry cloth halter tops despite at least 10 different people in my class writing to flag the blatant deficit of free "EST. 1892"-branded garb in our lives, it is true. 

All 14 year olds circa 2001 were dead inside without a proper "Property of A & F Ski Team" tube top, and yet  Google Images fails to provide any proper images of the golden years of Abercrombie branding. THANKS FOR NOTHING, A&F.

However, I received a free-shit A+ when I wrote to famed CVS sparkly-hair-accessory supplier CONAIR. My complaint: my hair brushes kept breaking because my luscious locks were too thick and thus frequently ensnared brush heads, causing the handles to rip off. (Yes: this is a real problem that I still have. ~Strong Slavic Woman problemz~)

Around 1.5 months after mailing my letter—a large box arrived to our English classroom. It was from Conair! It was filled to the brim with brushes! Hip hip hooray for extra-intensely-formatted complaining!

And on that day my love affair with the well-worded written complaint was born. (It didn’t hurt that my Ukrainian-heritage has trained me to be dramatic; victimization-narrative-loving and litany-prone. **so much fun bein' Ukrainian.**)

Of course: With great complaining-power comes great complaining-responsibility, therefore I very rarely "deliver constructive feedback"--unless I have been truly wronged. I have spoken out in vitriolic prose ~5 times in 10 years, guys! But sometimes it just has to happen.

The most recent instance: In December, I went to Moma PS1 in Long Island City. The museum was great and the exhibition was a-ma-zing. Alas, my experience  was so truly surreal & awful that I had to barrel straight into complaint letter/email/whatever-the-medium-matters-less-than-the-message-oookay? #5. 

Subject line: "Guard Issue at PS1." 

I present it below without further comment, after the jump.

It's Fun to Be Ukrainian?

Being rational/Slavic, I often feel that my post-college life was going A+ swimmingly up until a very specific moment in time.

That's right: on November 4th, 2012, I accidentally and yet irrevocably ruptured the space time continuum.

My crime against fate?  I found and purchased a pin that propagated one of the cruelest and most heinous lies I have ever seen in print.

It reads:

I remember the moment of discovering this pin distinctly: I was perusing a now-defunct outdoor flea market at a public school in Park Slope. I picked the button up from a large bin of similar 1970s-era buttons.

I guffawed, audibly - to the annoyance of the crazy old lady shelling the buttons to the public - but I also paid actual currency for the thing: Two whole dollars! When I actually should have thrown that thing in the dust!

Because, listen friends - if there is one truth in this world, it is that it is definitely not fun being Ukrainian, nor has it ever been fun being Ukrainian, nor will it ever be fun being Ukrainian.

....Wait, how does one even say fun in Ukrainian? 

OH YES THERE IS NO WORD FOR THE CONCEPT OF NON-ENTERTAINMENT-OR-SPORTING-SPECIFIC MERRIMENT. (Note: there are also no equivalent Ukrainian words for the American-English concepts of: "exciting," "hope," or "cute." And yet there are at least 11 different ways to cover the concept of being sad, however.)

For the skeptics out there who perhaps find it very fun being very Ukrainian, I present the series of Ukrainian-related tragedies that emerged within mere hours of my horrific rupture of basic human truth. This is my testimony; this is my evidence.

More after the jump!